In computer news this week, 01/28/2003

Some people see the computer world as boring, but really - there is humor in it. Here's some computer humor......

The top ten reasons why the television is better than the Internet

10. It doesn't take a minute for the screen to draw when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Survivor Series" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Oprah never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Buns of steel infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

Ways The Internet Could Get Worse

10. Even more Rigorous user screening process created by America Online.

9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" spam protected by 1st amendment, declare internet

lawyers.

8. Home shopping "network".

5. Dan Quayle appointed head of, "bandwidth expansion tiger team".

4. Free AOL account with purchase of a big mac.

3. Gameboy web browsers.

2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.

Actual calls to computer technical support

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. She responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

A customer who had just received a laptop computer for Christmas asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate feature work in the spring and summer too, he asked....

Lesser Known Programming Languages

SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language

Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for

Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code

with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,

END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make

a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus

they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without

the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.

SARTRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely

unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just

are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers

     - He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

     - SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

     - Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

     - Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

     - Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.cats.com  instead of working.

     - The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

     - He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".

     - It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

     - The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

     - He can't stick his head out of Windows 98

Real knee slappers, huh?

For Raw Bytes, This is Frank Delaney

POB 222 Spangle, Wa 99031 (509)245-3736 624-7230